you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
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I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
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We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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