I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize