I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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