dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
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He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
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When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
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