I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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