I think my vagina is haunted
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize