I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
