just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
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...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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