Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize