if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize