omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize