she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
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His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
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the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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