a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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