I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
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I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
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That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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