toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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