Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize