I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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