wakey wakey hands off snakey
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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