I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
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Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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