I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
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No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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