My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
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My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
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Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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