Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
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Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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