He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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