Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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