I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
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Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
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Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
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