i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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