I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
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He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
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She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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