The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
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I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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