I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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