I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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