I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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