why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
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The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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