no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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