I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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