I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
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Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
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I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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