I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
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He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
there is glitter all over my balls
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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