even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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