He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
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Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
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Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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