we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
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At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
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I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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