he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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