We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
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We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
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Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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