And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
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I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
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I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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