My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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