when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
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WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
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I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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