Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
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so much tequila, so little girl.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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