$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
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halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
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What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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