I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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