alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
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She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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