Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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