just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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